I am feeling notoriously unable to complete any sort of project.
In the past ten minutes, I have attempted:
1. to study for the GRE
2. to flip through the GRE book and find a good way to plan to study for the GRE.
3. register for the GRE extra materials online using the easy-to-follow instructions in the front of the book
4. to work on my statement of purpose for grad school
5. to work on any piece of unfinished writing saved on my laptop
6. to edit any piece of writing I have previously been working on
Using simple math, this means I have dedicated at least one minute and no more than 1.5 minutes to any of the above tasks.
I am really going places.
Instead, I am sitting on a porch being eaten my mosquitoes, drinking a tequila drink that is too strong for my taste and pretending to achieve something, which really just includes updating my blog and writing back to emails too soon. Green bananas, all of this.
It would be convenient to put all my goals on hold and age myself in an oak barrel. I would like to avoid these feelings of failure. This is why I don't try to quit smoking. It only leads to feelings of failure and another pack of cigarettes. I don't do guilt well.
Ironically, I have not smoked in a few days. One could even say I was quitting, if I allowed that kind of talk in this house. So far so good, except the fact that I have had an ongoing tendency toward violence today, specifically punching something that might yelp and yield. I would not mind blaming the lack of nicotine mixed with the most frustrating World Cup final game I have ever seen.
In the meantime, I get to struggle with this writer's block. I can't tell you the feelings I have when I open Microsoft Word and stare at that blank page. Intimidating as fucking hell. I'd rather stain this deck I'm sitting on than face that blank page, but no one asked me to, and I spent the day lounging and watching 'Deadwood'. And now I have to face that page.
Don't get me wrong; there is no shortage of ideas. I had a fantastic idea including 'The Darjeeling Limited' and the nature of the spiritual experience, forced and unplanned, in our society. Something I would passionately write about. The minute I stare at that screen though, all my sentences dissipate like smoke and I might as well pound the keyboard with fists rather than try.
Oh, there's that need to punch something again.